The Penis: A Guide To It's Pleasures
by frogginginsanity
Summary: During Harry's midnight stumblings, he finds a room containing hundreds of books, sex manuals to be exact. When he fantasizes about Draco Malfoy, what happens? WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT! YOU ARE WARNED!
1. New Techniques

WARNING: THIS STORY COULD INCLUSE SLASH, MASTURBATION, SEX, SEX TALK, AND CRUDE HUMOR. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE, CLICK THE LITTLE BACK BUTTON. THIS FIC IS RATED 'M' FOR A REASON. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. And if you have a problem with it please PLEASE talk to me about it and I will edit the story or take it down. Do not report me to fan fiction. This story is all in good fun and I don't wish to offend anyone.

A/N: Most of the story is Harry's thoughts, and the italics are parts of books. Please read and review no matter what you think of the story! Criticism is welcome (not liked—but I won't freak out as long as it is constructive criticism) Enjoy!

Harry tossed and turned in his bed, trying to force himself to succumb to sleepiness that just would not come to him that night. He couldn't sleep, so he faced one of the few activities that made him feel comfortable: roaming around the castle in his invisibility cloak.

He was careful not to wake Ron, as he would probably want to come with, too, and after some strategic rummaging and tossing of clothing, Harry found the cloak. He quickly headed into the hallway and just wandered wherever his feet took him. A while later, minutes or perhaps hours, one could never be sure, Harry found himself quite uneasy and figured it was probably Filch out to torment him; so Harry thought it best to hide out in an empty classroom for a couple minutes until he passed.

He entered the nearest classroom and found shelves and shelves of books! None were less than two inches thick. He quickly shut the door behind him and grabbed a book from the nearest shelf and headed to the overstuffed chair sitting near the shelves. Studying the book more closely, he realized it was titled _The Penis: and a guide to it's deepest pleasures_. Curious, he opened it and started flipping around.

Some of the entries were completely worthless and insane, who would put those into a book, he wondered.

_Masturbation: Excitation of one's own genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse._

Useless! Who in their bloody minds wouldn't know that! What the hell are these books doing in here anyway? He flipped a little further.

Ooh, now this he could see himself liking…. Ooooh, even better! Masturbation instructions, huh, now I understand where this whole masturbation definition is going… OOooh Baby! Maybe I should try some of these out… I mean, I can never really satisfy myself when I need to. I try, but I can never get there, I always seem to turn myself off…

Okay, so it's settled, then. I'll try it. But just this once, cause I want to see what it feels like. Just this once, I'm not going to turn into one of those freaks who is masturbating like every hour or so.

_There are several different suggested techniques when using masturbation, but they will be different for everyone because everyone and their feelings are different. So if one of the steps doesn't work for you, just skip it or change it a little so that it feels right with your body._

_First of all, you need to be masturbating about someone; not just in general. You will always have better results this way. For example, pretend that you are engaging yourself in sexual activities with this person, and pretend that they are the one doing this to you. You are kissing them, moving closer, pulling off their shirt, their bra, and massaging their bare breasts. You take them into your mouth and suckle on them until they are as hard as ice; then they do the same for you. (This is the beginning of a pretend example of what it would be like for a heterosexual male)_

_If you are homosexual, try this fantasy example instead: You and your man are kissing heatedly, making out. He slides his tongue deeper inside your mouth and pulls off your shirt. He plays with your nipples while kissing you, then kisses you more gently and takes your nipples into his mouth. Soon, he makes a trail of kisses heading down your stomach, abs, and pulls down your pants. He then lazily massages you through your boxers, and gets you as hard as a rock doing only this. Then, he takes your boxers off…yada, yada, yada._

_When masturbating, it always helps if you are thinking that someone else is doing it because it always seems to push you along further. This is the first step to proper masturbation. You must find the person of your fantasy and figure out what fantasy best suits you. First of all, you need to figure out what you most enjoy doing with your sexual partners. Male or female: decide which one you would rather have in your fantasies. You may also include several people in your fantasy, but that is more complicated._

Harry looked at his watch, and realizing that it was almost time for breakfast, decided that he needed to head back to the common room right away! But a little nagging in his pants reminded him that he had a different problem to face first…..

A/N Yes, yes, yes, I know this chapter is really really short, but please leave a review anyway… it sets the scene for next chapter. I don't care what you say, even if all you have to say is that it was a short chapter, or an interesting beginning, or that it sucks…. I don't care, just please leave a review! And I promise if I get a lot of reviews, the next one will be longer. Btw, if you like this story, read my other ones, I think you'd like those, too…


	2. Silky Sheets

Warning: This story could include slash, masturbation, sex, sex talk, and crude humor. Don't read if you don't like. And if you have a problem with it please PLEASE talk to me about it and I will edit the story or take it down. Do not report me to fan fiction. This story is all in good fun and I don't wish to offend anyone. HIGH SEXUAL CONTENT, DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE... however, read if your conscience and inhibitions permit! Enjoy!

A/N: Most of the story is Harry's thoughts, and the italics are parts of books. Also, some of it is in third person and some in first, but it is all Harry's thoughts. Please read and review no matter what you think of the story! Criticism is welcome (not liked—but I won't freak out), but if you criticize at least say why… Enjoy!

Harry closed his eyes and thought of Miss Ginerva Weasley, a common participant in Harry's fantasies. He pictured her in a black, lacy, sexy nightgown. Then he saw her slowly slide it down her shoulders exposing her full, perfect breasts and leaving her only in a thong.

Harry pulled her towards him and pictured her rubbing his nipples and kissing his chest. Harry firmly rubbed his nipples, then pinched them until they were hard. Then he saw Ginny pull off his belt and pants and put her hands down his boxers.

This is where Harry always ran into trouble, but for some reason part of the book he had been reading kept playing over and over in his head.

_If you often used techniques are becoming ineffective, perhaps change them around a bit. For example, if you usually fanaticize about women, why not try a man for once? Or vice versa. Remember, this is just experimenting and if you fantasize about a man it does not necessarily mean that you are gay. It simply means you are experimenting and seeing what might be more effective in your fantasy world._

Harry finally allowed himself to succumb to the image that was tugging at the side of his head; after all, he had always wondered what it would be like with a man.

He continued his fantasy: Draco Malfoy sauntered into the room, wearing only a tight shirt and boxers. At this thought Harry found himself hardening even more. Draco walked over him and pulled Ginny off of Harry, and replaced where Ginny's hands had been with his own. He wrapped his hands around his whole length and made small circles around his penis's head.

He then moved his hands up and down Harry's long length, moving more rapidly with each of Harry's groans. He then put Harry's long, hard penis into his mouth and swirled his tongue around it. Harry swirled his fingers around his penis. He leaned against the wall for support; his legs were beginning to feel weak. Despite leaning on the wall, his legs gave out and he found himself lying on a remarkably soft, silky chair, which heightened the feelings of pleasure even more.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall.

_Use your surroundings as part of your fantasy._

Ooh, Draco's sheets are so soft and silky, he thought, slowly rubbing himself against the chair. As his head hit the wall, he marveled at the beauty of Draco's bed… oh and Draco's perfect ass… Harry grasped his penis a final time, and frantically began moving his hands up and down the long length. Draco's fabulous mouth… his skilled hands, he thought. With one last image of Draco and several more frantic slides up and down his penis, he violently came into his hands. Panting heavily, he imagined Draco giving him one last sloppy kiss, and going to sleep.

This was the best I'd ever had, and it wasn't even real. He marveled at how amazing his fantasies could be… I'd have to try this again soon, he thought. He quickly cast a cleaning spell on himself and pulled his pants and belt back on. He then headed back to the common room for a quick shower and change before heading to breakfast.

"Harry, mate, where've you been?" Ron asked when Harry returned to the tower.

"Oh, erm, just went out for a little walk. I couldn't sleep."

"You should've woken me up, I'd have come with you," Ron replied. "We haven't been out on any nightly banters lately," he joked.

"Yeah… I'm gonna go take a shower; I'll be ready for breakfast in a minute, alright?"

"Erm, I already went to breakfast, but 'Mione is waiting for you in the Common Room. I'll go tell her you're getting ready."

Harry nodded and heading to the showers for a quick rinse-off. He felt so worry free and happy today- for some reason having an orgasm always took off the pressure and weight on his shoulders. It made him much perkier; too, if one looked closely enough, they could see that his nether regions were quite happy as well. Not happy in the sense that he was turned on, but more in the sense that he was very healthy, large, and ready to go! He soon finished showering and threw on a pair of pants, shirt, and his school robe. Damn he felt fine. He whistled as he headed down to meet Hermione.

"Hey Herms, are you ready for breakfast?" Harry joyfully asked.

"Yeah. What took you so long; I was waiting down here for ever!"

"Hmmm, oh, nothing. I was just out on a walk, that's all."

"Harry, you know you shouldn't be out wandering the castle at night! You could get in trouble!" Hermione lectured. "What if someone saw you?"

Harry just laughed to himself, Hermione will be Hermione. "I was fine. Besides, I was under my invisibility cloak."

"Even so, you could have been seen. Your cloak is so small, you might have been sticking out from under it, and you are so big after all."

How does she know what size my penis is, Harry wondered. Then it occurred to him Hermione wasn't talking about his penis, just about him in general. Boy, he was a dirty-mind today.

"Harry, hello?"

"Sorry," Harry joyfully apologized.

Hermione just grinned. Harry was back. He'd been in a bad mood lately- something to do with Sirius she figured. Boy was she glad that was over.

Soon they arrived in the Great Hall and settled themselves down by Ginny, Patti, and Neville. Ginny quickly scooted close to Harry when he sat down next to her and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Ron isn't here today, I can act however I want," Ginny whispered seductively into Harry's ear.

But Harry didn't get quite the same reaction as he usually did whenever she got close to him… odd. But he still gave her a quick kiss on the lips as a greeting anyway. Harry and Ginny were dating, if somewhat secretly. They both figured that Ron knew, but neither of them had talked to him about it yet.

Harry piled the food onto his plate—he was hungry, he hadn't eaten much lately but now that he was in a good mood again, he had his appetite back. In the middle of eating, Harry felt a hand placed on his thigh, "How would you like to get together tonight, babe?" Ginny whispered. "We could do homework and talk…"

"Or I could snog you senseless, that's always an option," Harry joked, knowing very well that was what they would be doing. Ginny nodded and smirked in agreement. "I was out walking last night, and I found this room with sex manuals in it… you really should have a look, it's quite great, actually," Harry confided so Hermione, who was sitting on the other side of him could not hear.

Ginny laughed, "Hmm… maybe we'll find some good pointers…"

"Believe me, you don't need any," Harry said, and was treated with a blush from Ginny. "D'you recon we should tell Ron?"

"About us shagging?" Ginny asked, alarmed.

"NO!" Harry screamed, getting the attention of half of the Griffindor table. "I meant about us dating," he said much more quietly.

"I suppose so… I—I'm sure Hermione figured it out by now."

"You mean, you told her," Harry said, laughing. He knew his girlfriend would tell someone.

"Well… yeah," Ginny said sheepishly.

"It's okay, I knew you would," Harry said, returning to his breakfast. But Ginny scooted even closer to Harry, moving her hand so dangerously close to his crotch that he froze in mid-bite. Ginny, however, was unfazed, and seemed to be pretending she didn't know where her hand was to see how much of a reaction she could get from Harry.

"_Gin_," Harry said breathlessly. "Not now!"

"What? Hmm, did you say something, Harry?" she asked, continuing moving her hand up higher. She continued until her hand was resting lightly on Harry's penis, and gave a slight squeeze, receiving a shudder from Harry. "Okay, well I guess I'll be off, now. See you guys later," she said, sending Harry a mischievous look. She always did like to tease him.

Fuck, Harry thought. How the hell am I supposed to get out of here now?

"Problem, Potter?"


	3. Knew You Couldn't Do It

Warning: This story could include slash, masturbation, sex, sex talk, and crude humor. Don't read if you don't like. And if you have a problem with it please PLEASE talk to me about it and I will edit the story or take it down. Do not report me to fan fiction. This story is all in good fun and I don't wish to offend anyone. HIGH SEXUAL CONTENT, DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE... however, read if your conscience and inhibitions permit! Enjoy!

"Errr, no, _Malfoy!_" Harry stuttered as strongly as he could manage.

"Hmm, well I'd like a word in private, _if you don't mind_."

"Actually, I do mind… I'm eating, so you can just FUCK OFF, MALFOY!" Harry yelled.

"Just leave, Malfoy, is it not enough to see us in classes, but you have to torment us at the breakfast table, too?" Hermione asked in an attempt to keep peace. But both boys glared at her for the attempt.

"You act as if I'm enjoying myself being here," Malfoy spat, sneering. "You forget your place; a pureblood like me could _never _enjoy being in the company of blood traitors such as yourselves, you filthy little _mudblood_!"

"I said, _fuck off, Malfoy_!" Harry yelled, rising out of his seat pointing his wand at the blond.

"Perhaps you should… Merlin knows you need a good shag, with the She-Weasel as your girlfriend and all!" Malfoy taunted, looking at Harry's enlarged nether regions.

Harry sneered and lunged over the table at Malfoy, knocking down several dishes and cups in the process. Harry grabbed him by the shirt collar and stabbed his wand into the blonde's neck.

"Do it, _Potter_. I dare you."

"Harry James Potter, put your wand down _RIGHT THIS INSTANT_!" Hermione scolded. In a slightly less menacing voice she said, "He isn't worth it."

Malfoy smirked at the confused look on Harry's face, while he began to back off slightly. "Knew you couldn't do it."

"_I could too… _I just fear for your safety when I'm done with you… don't know if you're worth killing," he retorted. Although he came across strong, he wondered if he could—curse Malfoy that is. There's no doubt he could do silly little curses, but one that actually hurt him? He had his doubts, but also his anger… a force that was oftentimes stronger than his conscience.

"Mr.'s Malfoy and Potter, are you quite through? Unless you would like to serve detention this evening, I suggest the two of you sit down to breakfast, _right now_," Professor McGonagall threatened.

"Yes, Professor," Harry mumbled looking down.

"And the two of you are very lucky I don't take points off for this! There is no need to be fighting…" Pausing, she said, "Shake hands and apologize."

"What? I'm not fucking apologizing to _Potter!"_

"Well then, I will see the two of you for detention tonight. Eight o'clock. I do believe there are several trophy rooms that need cleaning; therefore _at least _one of them will be available for you…"

"Actually, Professor, I would like to apologize," Harry said bravely, sticking out his hand to the blonde. "I'm sorry that you're such a fucking prick that constantly follows myself and my friends around and terrorizes us. I'm sorry that you have nothing better to do with your fucking worthless time!"

"You think I fucking follow you? Hell no—you aren't worth that to me. Don't bloody insult me, Potter!"

"Unless you would like to spend all of your free time with me, I suggest your watch your language and make a real apology."

"Fine," Harry spat. "Sorry." He stuck out his hand, and Malfoy gingerly took it and pulled Harry closer so that Draco could easily whisper into his ear.

"Know your way around the castle well?" Harry nodded once in reply. "Good. Meet me three doors to the left of the Ravenclaw Common Room tomorrow. Ten O'clock. Come alone _You so could not have done it."_

_Ravenclaw Common Room? Why the hell does he want to meet there?_

Harry glared at him, and swiftly snapped back his hand. Professor McGonagall nodded happily; thankful that she wasn't required to spend the evening babysitting for two of the most powerful rivals in the school. "See you two in class," she said cheerfully.

Draco looked him up and down one more time saying, "You _really_ should find yourself a good shag or something…" he said disgustedly. "No one bloody wants to see... _that!"_

Hermione sighed, Professor McGonagall thought she had solved everything; but it had only just begun. "Excuse me, _Malfoy_, but Harry and I were just leaving, weren't we?"

"Errr… okay," he replied, sending a nasty glare to Malfoy. Everyone bloody saw that he was aroused… _very_ aroused—even Malfoy (who got a nice, close up look). And _Hermione_! His _friend_, Hermione! She wasn't supposed to see stuff like that! Now Malfoy has another thing to torment him about! And on top of that, Malfoy knew he was dating Ginny? How the fuck does he know that? Ron was _so_ not supposed to find out yet… or ever really, that would be nice. But really, if Malfoy knew, _everyone_ knew, and if everyone knew, _Ron_ knew. This is just turning out to be a bloody fucking perfect day.

"Errr… 'Mione, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't, uhhh, tell Ron about this…" Harry trailed off, extremely embarrassed.

"About the fight?" she asked, puzzled.

"Nooo… about, well…" Harry said, glancing down.

"Oh… of course," Hermione said, reddening a bit. "You know, Harry," she continued cautiously, "you _do_ have Ginny…"

"I bloody well know I have Ginny, it's _because _of her that I bloody have… I'm not just some fucking psycho idiot that gets raging boners while eating breakfast with their friends and yelling at their enemies!" he exclaimed, his eyes alight with fury.

"Oh… well, _sorry_!" she huffed. "Just trying to help!"

"How the hell did Malfoy know, though?" Harry mused. "We didn't tell anyone… besides you, of course." Harry turned, glaring at Hermione. She wouldn't have told… would she?

"Perhaps he just saw the two of you kissing at breakfast and guessed. Or maybe he threatened it out of another Griffindor; a lot of them _think_ you're dating anyway. Or maybe he just guessed," she said sensibly. "You probably don't have anything to worry about, but I _do_ suggest that you tell Ron soon. He'll be upset the way it is, I don't think he needs to hear it from someone else."

"Tell me what?" Ron asked as they rounded the corner. "What will I be mad about?" Apparently Ron heard that there was some kind of fight going on in the Great Hall. Involved bloody Malfoy, and naturally Ron came running. Any chance to humiliate his enemy was a blessing in disguise.

"Errr," Harry said, pulling Hermione in front of him so Ron wouldn't see he was aroused.

"Harry… what the?" Hermione asked, freezing in mid sentence as she brushed against Harry's enlarged midsection, her cheeks reddening at the touch.

"What? 'Mione… you're acting weird…" Ron blubbered. It is _so_ unlike Hermione to stutter.

"Err… no I'm not," she said, her face steadily reddening. "I—just..."

"She's still mad from breakfast," Harry offered. "Fucking Malfoy called her a… a mudblood again! The bastard! Tomorrow I'm going to curse him to hell and back!"

"Tomorrow?" Ron yelled. "Fuck no! Let's go right now!" He whipped out his wand and was contemplating the best hex to use on him when Hermione interrupted his thoughts.

"_NO_. Harry's in enough trouble with McGonagall already from breakfast."

"Err… actually I didn't get detention."

"That's not the point, Harry. She said next time that she'd take off points. Do you want to beat Slytherin in points or not?"

"Honestly, all you think about are the rules! Let's go get him, Harry! We'll kick his sorry ass!" Ron ranted.

"Actually I have a better idea. We wait. Tomorrow night I'm meeting him—"

"What do you mean _meeting_ him? Is that what he said to you when you shook his hand? No way are you meeting him; you'll just get in trouble! He's probably setting you up, Harry!"

"SHOOK HIS HAND? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?"

"Oh… McGonagall made us shake hands… And, _yes_, Hermione, I _am_ going. He deserves to die for what he said!" Harry declared in a dangerous tone; one Hermione and Ron knew all too well. However, while Hermione usually associated it with lots of trouble, and time taken away from her studies, Ron associated it with very important plans… plants involving Malfoy… teaching him a lesson. Ron was ready.

"Good, Harry, what're we gonna do?"

"You aren't going to do anything… 'Mione, you either. I'm going alone, this is something I have to settle by myself."

"By yourself? But mate, we hate him just as much as you do!"

"_HARRY_! _HERMIONE_? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" an irate Ginny screamed. She had caught Hermione standing in very close front of Harry… _very_ close indeed, and Harry was arguing with Ron over Hermione's shoulder, his arm around her waist and waving wildly around. It was obvious what this could be mistaken for, and that is exactly how Ginny saw it.

"Yeah… you are standing all weird, mates, why are you right behind Hermione? And why is your face all red, 'Mione?"

"I—I'm just angry, Ronald. Now go upstairs and get your books or we'll be late to class!" Hermione threatened in her mother-like voice, that reminded Ron of his mother a bit too much. Ron quickly nodded and scurried up the stairs towards the Griffindor Common Room.

Ginny stood, hands on her hips, lips pursed, waiting for an explanation. "Harry?"

"_Gin_! After what you did to me at breakfast... well, Ron was coming and I didn't want him to see; Hermione already knew," Harry paused to laugh.

"Harry, I hardly think this is a laughing matter. Ginny, I'm sorry for what this must look like, but we didn't want Ron to find out this way, we were just… covering it up a bit. And anyways, _what_ did you do to Harry at breakfast?" Hermione asked.

Harry blushed… "'Mione!"

Ginny smiled, "Oh, Hermione… just touched him a bit." Grinning mischievously she added, "Why don't we go take care of that before more people notice?"

Harry nodded, but added, "I really doubt there was one person in the Great Hall that didn't see."

"I didn't know I would have such an effect on you, Harry James," she purred.

"Well, my darling, why don't we just see if I have the same effect on you…?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and waved to Hermione. Clasping Ginny around the waist he ground his hips into her side. She gasped quickly, and pulled Harry towards the nearest room to relieve his… not so little problem.

Hello, my darlings! I hope you enjoyed this wonderfully fluffy chapter! So what do you think? Ron needs to find out, don't you think? Should he walk in on them sometime? Or hear by a rumor? Or by Malfoy? Or should they be nice, honest little characters and actually tell him the truth? I'm leaning towards one of these, but I want to hear you guys want… And pretty, pretty please leave me a review… I'm sure the wonderfully sexy Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy would want a review on their wonderfully sexy hotness as well… ahem, ahem, hint, hint!


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